You're The Worse Mom

Indeed, your baby is the extension of you. Whatever she's doing reflects good or bad on you. No one really factors in that even at the age of 2, these cute lil angels have a mind of their own. If they did something great, well plus point on you. If they cry like there's no tomorrow, well, you're up for an award for the worse mom. Here are the usual things that Moms go through at this phase.

1. She only likes your side of the family. You must be doing something wrong.
Can't 2 year olds have preference for family relationship? Well, as young as they are, you'd be surprise that they do have strong attachment to certain sides of the family. Does that reflect bad on you? Well, you'll be thought of many things. Things like you have too much attachment; you've babied your daughter far too much! You spoiled her too much. Misconceptions, misconceptions, misconceptions. Nobody sees that sometimes it breaks your hear to spank your child because she's acting up. Nobody sees that patience you have to exercise because she's in that terrible two stage. In the eyes of those who don't know, if they can't have what they want immediately, you must be doing something wrong.

2. She's still breasfeeding at 2???? You're doing it all wrong
Yeah, I admit, weaning out can be so convenient. But letting her have formula is not always the solution to make her go with people or relatives she doesn't see often. And if when she doesn't go easily with people, then your baby is labeled with being bratty or annoying. As parents, we shouldn't be the first one to judge our toddlers. My GOD!! she's just 2. We're the adult; let's not crucify the kid for siding on one side of the family. I believe there should always a gameplan involved. But that will only work if all parents are involve. Always try your best not to let your frustration gets the best of you. There are days, I admit, that I get frustrated and want to spank my kid. But I learned that it's not always the best and she'd only cry more.

3. She's not like her dad who's patient. There must be something wrong.
To be frank, I don't want my kid to be exactly like her dad or even me. I want her to be the best version of either of us. Who cares if my daughter doesn't get her dads complacency when he was a kid?? Does that mean she'll fail as an adult? Sometimes it should be adults who have their attitude in check before crucifying 2years for the simple reason of favoring one side of the family.

Things You're Not Entitled To

1) Your lucky you have a kid, so don't complain about it.      The moment you welcome your little bundle of joy, your life changes completely. So what's new? Everyone knows that. But what you will learn on your own is the amount of patience you can try muster in when your 2 year old starts wailing in a high pitched voice that can reach the houses on the other street. I'm always tempted to slap the hell out of my toddler when she's in this wailing state; but then, reason gets the better of me and I just pray I don't give in to my weakness. Reward? When I struggle during moments like this, I always think, my child is an extension of me. When she looks into my eyes, she knows, only mommy can understand her.

2) Your husband's job is to provide and not take care of the kids.  I have this bad habit of thinking that because my husband provides me with everything that I don't need to bother him with the dirty job of taking care of our daughter after office hours. But the thing is, I work too and at the same time I take care of our kid. So when do I get some alone time like my husband? Sometimes I resent the fact that my husband can make plans with his friends, knowing that he doesn't have to worry because I'm at home making sure everything is fine. I hate those moments. It makes me feel alone and without life. Reward? I make him buy me stuff to compensate those moments. Hey, moms should have leverage sometimes, right?

3) You have a perfect family, a single girls night out is not for you anymore.    The people in the office loves to go out for drinks. When I see them in Facebook, I tell myself, that's the night life I use to have. Nowadays, my preliminaries to a night out consists of syncing my husband's free schedule so that I could go out with my girls and have someone take care of the baby. It sucks sometimes but what can you do, you're the squad leader and as a squad leader you have to take care of your platoon first before focusing on yourself. Reward? You have a husband that voluntarily adjusts his schedule and suggests a time for you to have some fun.

4) Your child is a blessing, so always appreciate your moments with her.    Yes of course I feel that way, except for the moments when she wants to stick by you all the time and you have a client call in a few minutes. Except for the moments when she wails to a level of god knows what and she just won't shut up. Except for those times when you want a moments peace and your husband can't shut her up and it's up to you to calm her. When you're typing a blog and she pulls every cord she sees and starts to wail. Reward? When she's calm and starts to sleep, she turns her head and look at you with such look of peace and knows she feels okay or those moments when she gently touches your hair and says "mommy?" with enthusiasm.

For people reading this, you must think I'm one ungrateful mom. Well, it's okay. There are times I feel like that too. But most days, I'm sane and appreciate the blessings I have and that includes a loving husband and a lovely little girl. Sometimes, when it gets too crazy I just want to vent in a healthy and productive way and that includes writing. To all moms out there..kudos to you all.


(Picture below is how my baby prefers to breastfeed. She's a rowdy one).

MY ILLICIT AFFAIR

Have you ever been addicted to something that despite the challenges it offers you can't stop craving for it?
This is my battle with you.
No matter how hard, no matter how excruciating, I still dream of making you a part of my life.
Even if you're no longer a part of it, forces of nature work wonders to make it happen

An hour in the evening after the baby sleeps
2 hours before baby awakes
That's how I start my illicit time with you.
Stealing moments to run my fingers through your pages.

Before my daily grind starts
I think of the time when you'll speak with me again.
Even if my heart fights you 80% of the time
Circumstances force me to understand and truly remember every word you say.

Money spent, time stolen, emotions spent,
Yet, I'm here draining my emotions and heart for you.
Maybe yes, maybe no.
One thing is for sure, I'll never stop trying.

The Silence of a Strong Woman

It takes a strong woman to keep her tears hidden
Cloaked and unseen by those who are supposed to comfort her
Iron jawed, she gets out of bed and act as though everthing is all right

It takes a strong woman to put up a smile for her baby
Greater than a theatre artist to put up a smile and talk to her child like everything is alright
A challenge that she gloriously overcome

When the day ends...when she's in the company of showers and solitude of water
Her emotions break. Tears fell down from her eyes without even her knowing
She silently prays because that's all she has to cling for..

#robot

Graver than an Affair

If a husband is a good provider
Society dictates that a wife should not complain
But there certain things money can't buy
Like taking over an hour or 2 off from your mother duty time

Frustrations often take over when you're thrust upon a new role
When you have to leave the old you and turn into something new
But there are moments that you'll miss them
The thought of being carefree is a feeling you miss and expunge at the same time

Moments when you want a ME time will be less and less
And you resent your partner's social freedom because the lack of yours
It reaches a point where you just want to be away from him
Away from the new you & just enjoy the old you even for a second

Feeling misreable when you should be happy is graver than having an affair
It opens doors for pretensions which eventually cannot be fixed.
These are the times you pray hard enough to be strong
Strong enough even to ignore your husband's snores...

BAR FLUNKER BLUES: Unsolicited Pieces of Advice You Love to Hate

If there’s a perfect time to shut your trapper, this would be it.

The moment you don’t see your name being flashed on that screen in Faura

Is a Cinderella after midnight feeling that turns you into a monster bulldog

But wait, the worst part has yet to come

Like a baby learning to speak for the first time

You can feel the stares of people who want nothing to comfort you and say

“Awwww” “oooos” “haist” “tsk tsk”

But wait, you have yet to hear the pieces of advice you really didn’t solicit

1. All in God’s time

This makes you think that God didn’t want you to pass the Bar this year. Admit it, that exact moment you didn’t see your name, you intentionally and momentarily cursed the faith that you so believe in. Don’t worry, God is forgiving that he’ll let you repent; just make sure you do repent.

What my brain says:  Shut the fuck up! You didn’t take the Bar so you don’t know the feeling. God isn’t a fickle person that prevented me from passing. The fault is mine; maybe I didn’t study much or appreciated a question wrong. Point is, God always want you to pass. You just have to work harder for it.

2.  Maybe it’s your handwriting, try making it bigger.

This is the classic one. Blame it on the way I write. Even if you let them see your now newly constructed perfect handwriting, they will always find fault in it just to justify the fact that you didn’t pass the Bar.

What my brain says:  Yup, Bar is so fickle that it all boils down how perfect your handwriting is (rolling my eyes). Stop judging the way I write.

3. Study harder this time; maybe you didn’t study much

Oh yeah! The past 6mos.of my life was just like reading a 50 Shades of Grey book and browsing through the pages. Me not studying enough for the Bar can be the culprit, but please don’t accuse me of not giving my 100,000% into it. It’s an insult to my efforts and intelligence.

What my brain says:  Only people who didn’t go to law school will have the audacity to tell you this.

These unsolicited pieces of advice really put the cream in my night cap. Even I feel my own negativity leaking from this article. I just want to say to all people who passed the BAR first time and those you haven’t opened even a single page of codal, words of encouragement has its own place. If a person doesn’t seek advice from you, don’t give it. A simple smile and encouragement will do without turning into the Roman Catholic Pope.

Sometimes a simple gesture, a smile and a non-judgmental dialogue is just enough; and oh, the presence of booze also smoothens the blow. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE.  

FORGETTING MY ACADEMIC EX

You will always remember the feeling of falling in love

Whether it’s with your grade school crush or your chocolate best friend

You will never forget how euphoric it was to finally realize that you have within your grasp the ultimate dream

Then shit happens and it disappoints you big time

For a moment you made my life miserable

But because I’m a relentless romantic

I stood my ground and thought I could win you over

But you run my patience and faith to the ground

When a moment became moments, you tested my determination

Like December’s chill fighting off the summer’s wind

I hold on to the dream that you so invitingly parade before my face

Until it felt like I have wasted tons of tears and truck loads of emotion just overcoming you

Every now and then you still haunt me

Until I realize that you are something that I can never escape but guiltily try every chance I get

Your elusiveness is like a drug I want to try

Baiting me to risk everything and forget the practicalities of life

I can and will never forget the hardships we’ve through

From the first powerful frustrating feeling up to the 4^th numbing sarcastic laugh

Despite the mental and emotional torture you so willingly parade before me

You are still something that I still desire to overcome.

As we again come face to face soon my academic ex

Let me say that there will come a time that you’ll only be a laughing memory

When that time comes, I will embrace you willingly

Finally we’ll be equals and you’ll stop being a dream and turn into reality

BAR I WILL WIN OVER YOU!

WIND BETWEEN THE PILLAR

According to Pope Francis' in his latest visit in the Philippines

“Don't ever lose the memory of when you were boyfriend or girlfriend. That is very important”

Like any other bible quote, it’s vague but sounds inspiring

Until reality slaps you with a situation where you can totally relate

An old saying proclaims that a married couple should be like 2 pillars

Close enough to let the wind pass through them

Which simply means that each spouse should always have that space between them

Such amount of space to still let each other grow as an individual

Going back to Pope Francis’ quote all I can say is that it’s easier said than done

Romance is slowly killed by the realities of things that should not even bother you

Things and people enter your life not because you want them but because they are part of a                                  package

A package that you don’t have a choice but embrace

Rekindling the looks you shared as unmarried couple will be a challenge

Especially when the look your partner gives you is scrutinized by people who shouldn’t be in                               the equation.

Those equation unfortunately matters

Hence, you have no choice but to respect it

However respect begets respect and works 2 ways

If that equation doesn’t work like most math problems

The only solution is gloriously flunk it

Simply put, ignorantly put a smile on your face and pretend everything is okay

When everything seems impossible who else could you turn to?

It might sound cheesy but a good old quick prayer will cool you down

The calmness in prayer reigns in your emotion and anger

Let’s you think that the best solution is still kindness

To all married couples who are working hard to let the other equation work

Patience, diplomacy, prayers and an instant amnesia will just do the trick

Quickly forget what has been said and focus instead on the immediate family

                   you’ve got

After all words can only hurt you if you let them

Janrine Arwen Leophine

December 24 is the defining date that would change my life forever.

At 5:45pm, 9 months of waiting has finally ended.

Skin to skin; life tingles my anesthesia filled skin.

A soft kiss on the forehead sealed that bond that will forever define my nature.

Who would’ve thought such cries would be an angelic voice to my ear.

Who would’ve thought things such as poop would be an amazing thing.

A simple smile even at 3 in the morning is such a power booster

Never wanting that bond to end.

The suckle of your mouth on my breast resonates life all over me.

The pain of your bite is a testament of my heart’s willingness to bleed for you.

Although it’s too early for your sight to recognize me

As soon as your cries stop when it touches my chest, recognition of bond begins.

The future is so much brighter now.

The pain of childbirth more endurable because of your face.

Everything is clear and at the same time uncertain.

But what is certain is that all things bright and beautiful is now possible.

Gnawing Portrait

My first visit to the National Museum was supposed to educate me about the atrocities committed by the Spaniard towards the Philippines. The visit was required by one of my subjects in college. As I visually rummaged through the various paintings, it was not the historical Spolarium that caught my eye, it was a simple painting of an infant.

As I looked closely at the painting, the sleeping infant, who looks to be 2 to 3 months old, slumbers so innocently wearing his baptismal gown. The painting captured the delicate smile and fan of the infant’s eyebrows on his cheeks as he sleeps. Looking at it, it made me sigh at how lovely the picture was. Too bad that during that time there were no digital cameras or even cellphone cameras I can use to capture the image. Interested and intrigued, I looked at the description.

There was a story to the picture, a sad one. The painter was a father who has lost a child. Gazing upon it, I felt the father’s pain. To encapsulate every detail of a child he only had a few months to hold in the painting is so moving that even after hundreds of years it still had that power to touch hearts.

It was 1998 when I saw that painting for the first time. Year 2014, I embarked to recapture my interest in the arts by going to the National Museum again. The old building was different, and the painting was no longer in its original place. I asked a museum staff stationed at the lobby if they have seen a painting of a dead baby, and he pointed me to the newly renovated gallery. There it was, on display with a big wall all his own, is the sleeping infant that captured my heart.

Just by looking at the painting, I wouldn’t have known it that time that the baby already passed away were it not for the signage just below the portrait. Maybe that is the reason why the image is so alive; to make us feel that even in death, the love we have for our dearly departed will never leave us and will continue to inspire us to live our lives.     

A Wife's New Year Resolution

It may seem odd to write a resolution weeks after New Years and even days after Valentines. But in the few months into marriage I realized that every day is a New Year, a new opportunity to redeem yourself, take back the words you said, and strengthen the love for your significant behalf. 

To stand true to my vows and commitment, here's my 2014 New Year Resolution stated under my new civil status.

1. Powering Up the Redeeming Factor. - I married not only you buy your family too; for this I vow to put importance on your thoughts and opinion rather than fighting for my own. Happiness is achieved not by winning over others but by arriving at a compromise where everybody is happy.

2. Flaring up has its moments but not on our bed. - Patience is indeed a virtue. When the radical voices in my head are clawing their way into my mouth to make you understand a point, I'll endeavor to hear you out calmly and understand your point before my mouth gets ahead of my head.

3. To calmly count to 10 before getting mad at something.- Again, this has something to do with giving way to reason rather than emotion. 

4. Measuring ourselves without the vanities of Facebook statistics. - Facebook statistics should be entertaining not serve as measurement of achievements. That is a point I will always shove into your face even if it annoys you. To always prove that Facebook statuses and status symbol are superficial & should never gauge the happiness of a couple or a family.

5. Filtered honest will be indiscrimately applied. - There will be times that I will hide things from you. But I can assure you that when I do, it will only be trivial, superficial and NEVER on the level of financial or betrayal. Sometimes, a wife just gotta have secrets.

6. 100% effort for 50/50 sharing. - It's for my benefit that we live in a man-dominated society; but just because that could work to my benefit, it doesn't mean that I'm going to take advantage of it. I will endeavor to always be your better half especially during times when you need someone to solve your problems. 

For now I'll end up at 6. . representing the things I've learned this past 2 months that we've been married. I promise to put all these into practical action. The list may go on, but 1 thing is certain; even if the list/number goes up, my promises will intensify. I love you husband. 

Parasite

How does one resist the plea of the one who gave life?

How does one fight the decay that drains the foundations it helped fortify?

When the towers that surround your castle stands tall and proud.

Unbending and unyielding to the cracks that sips through it.

Sometimes life gives you legacies that you never want to inherit.

Obligations are meant to be fulfilled not passed on to those who has nothing to learn from it.

The unwilling heir receives under pain of sacrifice & unhappiness

And those who profess to love him are the very force the drains him.

The claws of embraced filial duty grows strong when responsibility beckons

It’s meant to be shared by those who shares the same blood and last name.

Such concentration of responsibility breeds resentment and ruin.

To those whose honest heart have been abused.

The warmth of a womb is meant to comfort the child’s spirit and soul.

It should never be a shackle that stops your growth.

The cord of filial duty and the ties of blood should not disappoint.

It should never be a parasite that steals your strength and justifies its false righteousness.

Rain Rain Go Away. . .

When people expect raindrops, they expect flooded roads and suspended classes. People are often inconvenienced by rain that whenever raindrops fall we feel exasperated. But not all people are sad and annoyed when the clouds starts its downpour mania.  For street children, flooded roads are public water parks that brings them momentary enjoyment and amusement. These children do not have any concept of dirt or even danger. For them these murky waters are big swimming pools and the jeeps their playmates. They don’t mind the danger of infection and traversing vehicles. For them the rain is a joyous occasion, an escape from the monotonous scene of honks and noise. This is a picture of street children taking a dip in this very dirty water flooding the roads near Manila City Hall. Only children with colourful imagination can truly find beauty in a sticky predicament such as this.  

Shackled Freedom

No doubt you’ve already encountered different kinds of vendors. Some of these people belong to the most resourceful breed in this world. Their resourcefulness is born out of necessity. They have the ability to seize the moment just to make a quick buck for a day’s survival. Shown in the picture is a vendor selling flag because June 12’13 is the Philippine’s Araw ng Kalayaan, or Independence Day. To get into the spirit of nationalism, he sells flags to onlookers and participants of the celebratory event; even he can’t stop himself from being amazed at the band corps musical show. People like these are true testament of the luxury of freedom or even the lack of it. They have the luxury of freedom because they are not bound to pay sales taxes and they get to be mobile when it comes to places where they are going to make a sale; yet they are not free because they are bound by the shackles of poverty. This picture is taken in the grounds of the Quirino Grandstand in Manila, Philippines during the 115^th Independence Day celebration.

Smoky Silence

We are consumed daily by our need to earn a living. From time to time, our busyness in life is stilled by moments of empathy and sorrow, not for ourselves but towards people around us. I have been living the city life for a long time now; long enough to know that amidst the self-serving declaration by the government of progress, there are just too many people who cannot relate to the same. Whenever we see people who are struggling to earn meagre money just to get by, we consider ourselves lucky. In that moment, we feel grateful for the things that we have and these things are usually the ones that don’t bring us satisfaction (or so we think). Yet, our empathy towards street people does not compel us to reach out and help them. For the most of us, our concern only reaches as far as our mind; no material execution is ever extended. Perhaps, in our little way, we should bring awareness to poverty; enough awareness to reach the right minded people who really have the responsibility to take care of them. 

On my way home, I saw this woman lying in the concrete barrier, presumably taking an afternoon nap. She endures the noise of engines and honking horns. For her, these noises are lullabies drowning out the thoughts of hunger.  As the jeep gets closer, I noticed that inside the blanket, she was hugging her pet dog. In her poverty stricken situation, she finds solace in the comfort of a four-legged friend who will unquestionably be there for her especially during the darkest of night. This photo is taken in the streets of Taft Avenue, Malate. 

Four Legged Love

Who wouldn’t one to come home to excitement and 100% missed you attitude?  Your pet dog can definitely strike that feeling in you.  Truly, dogs are man’s best friend because they never answer back and they tolerate pretty much every silly bone in your body.  But raising a dog is not limited to just feeding it; it should be accompanied by love, respect and monthly vaccinations. For dog lovers, it’s important to know your dog’s behaviour.  Most of the time they’re like children, they need attention. Well, our pets are receptacles of all the different kinds of attention. For their tolerance let’s always reward them with hugs and pats on the head; and of course lots and lots of doggie biscuits.  This is a shot of my favourite companion Tequila, who patiently sleeps at the foot of the bed. My security blanket chasing my nightmares away. Just got to love dogs.

Innocent Delight

Perhaps summer is the most exciting season for every child. No scholarly demanding work and all the free time in the world to play and wear a carefree attitude.  For a child who has yet to learn the practicalities of language and is dependent on the unconditional love of parents, every season is a summer vacation.  To watch a child find joy in the simplest moments like eating an ice cream is a delight in the eyes and in the senses.  It’s a reminder to our maturing and tired heart that indeed the best things in life are free; that the simplest and purest of joys can be experienced by living the moment and knowing that life will always open doors for you at the most unexpected of times.  The boy eating an ice cream is a true testament that indeed the simplest actions can bring utmost joy.  Nico is indeed wise even in his toddler age.  This photo is taken in Jotay Resort stationed in the magnificent beach of Sta. Ana, Cagayan. 

The Tie That Binds

This image shows 5 men from the Joson family pulling a vehicle size cart or what is known in the Philippines as karosa during the celebration of the Lent season. The karosa carries a life-size statue of Saint John the Apostle, the patron saint of the Joson family. These 5 men pulls the karosa in participation of a procession where different life-size statues of saints are likewise paraded all over the town of Sta. Isabel. In this procession, some of the devotees pull this heavy karosas while others pray in celebration of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The image captured the staunched dedication of the Roman Catholics to their faith and beliefs and the devotion of a family bounded not only by faith but also of love. This photo was taken during a procession undertaken every season of Lent in the town of Sta. Isabel, Malolos City, Bulacan, Philippines. 

Wasted Gold

The proliferation of tourists in one place also means the increase in the problem of garbage disposal. Most tourists do not have environmental etiquette and would just indiscriminately leave their plastic bottles and food wrappers along the beach. This is the reason why the local government implements a strict garbage waste disposal policies on hotel and accommodation establishments. However, not all people see the existence of garbage as a nuisance. Seen in the picture is a man scavenging for plastics floating along the beach in the early morning where the heat of the sun is still tolerable. The man gathers these plastic bottles and cans and sells them to the local junk shop as means of earning extra income. The picture is a solemn image showing the resourcefulness and cleverness of a man when it comes to profit-making activities. This image was taken along the majestic beach of Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte, Philippines. 

THESAURUS

I’m on a mental block. Spending my Saturday nights alighted by a fluorescent light and feeding my veins with caffeine and alpine instead of enjoying the humid breeze of a bar atmosphere and calming my nerves with a cold beer, all for the purpose of earning an extra buck.

But surprisingly what I find soothing is the tap of my fingers on the confines of my little netbook still on loan while watching a movie on cable.  I’m staring on my computer screen like a love struck doxy staring at her lover.  But night will come soon and the call of duty would soon force the sun to rise and another week of slave driving will claim my time.

For times like this when I find nothing better to write than my idle thoughts about life, I long to go home and feel the provincial air and be euphoric again about the carefree days of my youth. But life has its bipolar moments. Sometimes it surprises you with Christmas gifts moments and suddenly pulls the rug under your feet.  The only solution is to pull yourself together and catch that curve ball.

 Even complaining I find takes effort, so the rebel in me would rather choose to spend my sarcastic efforts sleeping and looking up the thesaurus for another meaning of most common things in life. Then I therefore conclude that when life gets boring, just open the thesaurus of life and find another meaning that works.

When tired of the monotonous office life, take the weekend off and travel to the pristine beach of Sta. Ana, Cagayan.  This shot was taken in the sunny sand stretch of Anguib beach. Although, the access is quite unpredictable because of the casino being built in the area, it is still a must-see place to visit.